The X Factor - Episode 2, The Empire Strikes Back

Sometime I wonder if falling out with Simon was such a good idea. He may have his faults but at least he can organise a great show.

I did a pub gig for a friend in Cornwall recently and The Sun reported it as the ‘X Tractor’ and a ‘Crop star’. I wonder what they would have made of my latest gig.

I had to record this week’s The X Factor as I was up in Northampton and Grimsby all weekend. I was with the band Fillet Of Soul. It’s not any ol’ band, it is made up of some of the UK’s finest musicians. I have no qualms about mentioning the artists who have also had the pleasure of working with these superb players; Jools Holland, Al Green, Katherine Jenkins and Teddy Pendergrass to name-drop just a few. One of the singers can be heard every week on Strictly Come Dancing, so believe me when I say they are fantastic.

The Friday night's gig in Northampton was a sell-out and a big success, but the organiser for the Sunday gig had not arranged the licence for venue and at the last minute had to find another location.

We were told it was a field. An open-air gig with marquee and bar, a kind of Picnic in The Park type thing. Cool huh?! Nope – it was not cool. It was a car park to a pig farm. Yes, a pig farm car park. Not a field, it was a gravel car park and no marquee in sight. There was a small gazebo though, and a big container of scrap metal and what looked like chimney pots.

I was in a beautiful gastro pub when I was told of this new location. I suddenly imagined the headlines in The News Of The World, ‘Picnic in the Pig farm!’ and I burst out laughing. Nobody else saw the funny side. The life of a musician, one minute they’re on Jonathan Ross playing with Al Green, the next they are getting bad news like this. I suppose getting dropped weeks after a number one album I could laugh at what was just another minor disaster.

The gig was so badly organised it was cancelled. The electrics were exposed to the elements and with the lack of insurance, terrible weather and a stage with no cover they had no choice but to pull the plug on Picnic at The Pig Farm. You would expect my blog to be a bitter rant as a result of the weekend events but I’ve moved on to the next stage - resignation.

So, after a long drive down the A16 and M11 on August Bank Holiday Monday, there’s nothing I wanted more than to sit down and watched this week’s The X Factor. I don’t think I really needed to watch it to review it, however, it is a 'music' show and I am interested in seeing and hearing new talent.

Interestingly, The Daily Mail reported that this week’s X Factor showed just 10 minutes of singing, with 25 minutes dedicated to showing the judges. Nothing’s changed there then. The main tabloid rag, The Sun, reflected that observation. It was more content with talking about singing prostitutes and whether or not the woman with mental health issues who was auto-tuned and then axed will be allowed back in. It’s all so depressing and that’s before I had a chance to see it for myself.

Temple Fire was one of the first and worst acts shown. A terrible, four piece boy band that were obviously shown to make the not so terrible The Reason look good. It’s a common trick they use and you fall for it every time. For some reason, Simon was impressed by the harmonies of the latter and said that ‘less is more’ in which case silence would have been perfect.

There was also some irony as sex object and celebrity judge Katy Perry, put a lifeguard through, only after he agreed to flash his tits. Sorry, I mean, remove his top and show his chest. You get my point? I’m all for women’s equality but I was hoping it wouldn’t equate to a 1940’s film producer with a casting couch. By the way, lifeguard man was in good shape but couldn’t really sing. Through you go to the next round, son!

Then came, Mary Byrne, supposedly the new Susan Boyle. She stayed pretty much in tune for a full 2 minutes. She’ll have a good chance to make the live finals and Simon would have noted with Mary being an employee of Tesco, she is bound to get first class product placement when her album comes out. Every little helps. She was quite good, but again just like Susan Boyle, if she was 25 and beautiful, would anyone care?

Oh no, this blog is becoming a bitter rant – please X Factor give me something good to say!

And if luck or good editing should have it, the last 10 minutes of a totally useless showcase of talentless dreamers draws to a close we are given a glimpse of some people who actually might keep us watching next week. Thank you for saving my blog.

The quirky and incredibly happy vocal group Seven who had a touch of Glee about them were very watchable. They are a cert for the live finals along with Rebecca, the very attractive unemployed hairdresser, who had a very good voice. Matt the painter would have been interesting, if it wasn’t for his dire opinion of his normal life. He had gone for the ‘desperate to escape my depressing non-exclusive member of the public status and gain a pass to the exciting celebrity club’ option. Trust me, I had a temporary VIP pass for fifteen minutes and when you get past the bouncer, it’s like every other poncy pretentious gathering of superficial socialites.

I must point out however, that The X Factor is a bit like a karaoke at this swanky nightclub. You hear so many wrong ‘uns that by the time a half decent singer belts out ‘I Will Survive’ you actually start getting a little excited and auto-tune is a distant memory.

The one shining light was the girl band Husstle. Apart from the annoying extra ‘s’ in their name, I was really impressed for the twenty seconds they were shown. Even vocal expert Cheryl Cole had to reluctantly admit they were good. Newspapers have reported that they have been forced to add a pole dancer to their line-up and though they are talking it up, I fear it will be their downfall.

All in all, episode two of The X Factor was very much like the first show, very polished with moments of controversy. OK, it wasn’t a particularly musical ninety minutes with just ten minutes allocated to singing but at least it wasn’t set in a gravel car park near Grimsby or cancelled due to bad weather, scaffolding, scrap metal and pigs. I might draft my apologies to Simon.