I was thinking of calling this blog "When PR goes bad" as part of a pitch to Channel 5 for a list of the top 10 PR disasters hosted by Richard Bacon. However, I think my preferred tabloid headline paid homage to News Of The World's Dan Wootton, who today is suffering such a horrific celebrity news meltdown that they've covered him with a tent a set up a 30KM exclusion zone.
Simon Cowell has really pushed the boat out today. He apologised to Cheryl Cole in The Mirror and The Sun. For a guy who offered a load of dosh for not sacking someone it feels a little excessive. The tabloid spin is so tangled that Simon's simple explanation seems logical.
I remember the day after I was supposed to meet Simon to discuss my concerns and my request to leave the label. He had gone straight to the papers to say that he was thinking about dropping me. It ruined any chance of an amicable settlement. It was clear that the relationship had broken down and this was now all about who could get there side of the argument out first. Even Louis Walsh was spreading lies to make it seem more plausible.
As you can see, he won and by the time I had a newspaper willing to print anything close to my version of events I had already been branded a bitter loser who just wasn't good enough. Nothing rings more true than Churchill's "A lie gets half way around the World before truth has a chance to put it's pants on."
This is why I have concerns over Cowell's sudden interviews when he had plenty of time to protect Cheryl Cole from this embarrassing situation.
The article in The Mirror starts with Cowell saying that he wasn't a monster he was trying to protect Cheryl. This is impossible to believe. He talks about how very close he was to Cheryl and yet he got a producer to tell her she wasn't wanted on the US version of the show. Really? Is that what friends do?
"Earlier, bosses confirmed that after failing to respond to their offer to come back (to the US show) , she had been officially replaced on the US panel by ex-Pussycat Doll Nicole Scherzinger."
So the scene is set, Cheryl failed to respond to the great news, she was offered to come back to work even though she was not fired. Cowell had made a mistake. The accent wasn't that much of a problem, the chemistry with the other judges wasn't that bad. Silly Cheryl fancy not responding. Apparently her manager Will. I. Am thought it was an empty offer. Cowell said it was a genuine offer.
"Cowell explained he and TV bosses had previously decided Cheryl was “uncomfortable” on the US show and felt offering her the chance to return to the UK X Factor would be the best option."
So Cheryl was not sacked, he just thought it wasn't working out, but he also said she was "doing well"? but offered her a more "comfortable" seat back in the UK. It was leaked that she was sacked for other reasons which he didn't respond to. Damn these leaks, you just don't know who to trust these days.
Considering these lies were financially more important to Cowell than the Ronan Parke fiasco I was surprised he didn't contact the press or stand up on Britain's Got Talent and say, "These stories are untrue. Cheryl is not sacked. She is doing a good job but we think she might be more suited to the UK."
He then goes on to say sorry a few times, hopes they are still friends and sorry again. He then plays the money card. Obviously with money being the most important thing in his life, a huge offer of loads of the stuff must make sense to any sane person.
“We were saying move to another show for even more money. There was an offer of around €2.8million on the table including bonuses.
“So how is that sacking someone? If that’s being horrible to someone then I would be quite happy with someone doing that to me."
There you have it. Cheryl Cole is insane. She turned down the move back to Blighty after it was leaked that she was sacked even though she wasn't. Luckily Cowell had two female judges lined up in the UK just in case she said "no".
“But when the story got out, it changed everything. There was no more communication and we had set a deadline of Sunday, giving her six days to make a decision.
“That passed and we still had not heard anything. So we announced our UK judges. When she turned down the UK show, we got back in touch and said, well she is still under contract with the US show so we invited her back. Her position was still there."
Oh, I get it. She failed to call them to take the UK job just when it was leaked that she had been sacked. So she was invited back to the USA where a new more comfortable seat awaited. But when she failed to respond to that offer they gave her job to Nicole Scherzinger who just happened to be in the building. (That was lucky.)
It was more likely an attempt not to pay Cheryl and spin it that she wasn't sacked despite his embarrassment of convincing her to leave the UK show and not having the power to keep her on the US version. It's like when you find out that Darth Vader answered to Palpatine, an even more sinister individual. It's hard to believe that Cowell has a boss at the Fox network isn't it?
So the spin is complete, Cowell had a full line up of UK judges ready and waiting to sign contracts and in the US, Nicole Scherzinger who had appeared as a guest judge on last years X Factor was the ideal replacement. Things just turned out just fine for everyone. Well, except Dannii, Joe McElderry, Shayne Ward and Cheryl. But they are so last year. This is New New Labour.
Just in case you forget, Cheryl wasn't sacked, she was offered loads of money and Cowell was really sorry. Get it?
NB Excuse mistakes, I'm not one for checking. If you find any let me know and I'll sort it.