Grace Dent Reckons She Knows Her Stuff – Oh dear.

I’ve just read an article in The Guardian about The Voice by Grace Dent. here

It was so bad I just had to write down my thoughts. Grace Dent is a writer of stories. Long stories are called novels which is very impressive – but hey, they are still just stories. She is paid to watch telly, write about it and write long stories. She is creative and funny but does writing stories and watching telly make you an expert on singing and talent shows?

In her very first sentence Grace Dent reveals her lack of knowledge by ridiculing Will.i.am for saying that The Voice is “not like a traditional karaoke talent show.” The fact that singers come on playing instruments, a live a band and the coaches judge only the voice has totally been lost on this wordsmith.

She then uses “clank” and “honk” to describe the vocals of the coaches. What? Tom Jones? Jessie J? Now I may not have the wit and writing ability of Grace Dent but I know my music and this was a great opening to a new show. Does anyone really think that Tulisa from N-Dubz showing off her tattoo to Carl Orff’s “O Fortuna” is a more impressive start to a talent show?

Ms Dent then has a pop at Jessie J for being young and attractive and the only woman on the panel like “every other blooming panel show”. There goes another perfectly good bra going up in smoke. No mention of Jessie J’s writing or singing ability just describing her as “tits, teeth and occasional sparkle”. I’m amazed the lack of respect for one of the greatest UK newcomers in years.

It’s a pity that the biggest point that Grace Dent touched upon she failed to get it. In an effort to get Jessica Hammond on his team, Will.i.am played up what he could do for her.

Dent says, “Balls to managing expectations: this was a new level of televised talent-show bullshit.” Sorry Grace you really don't understand the music industry. It's full of bullshit.

When artists have a number of record labels interested in them they get told everything to get them to sign. This is a reality.

What is refreshing about The Voice is the lack of desperate wannabes set up just so we can see them sucking up to Tulisa and on their knees to Louis Walsh. The Voice have admired coaches with real talent giving aspiring singers a new level of respect. Not unusual for the BBC as they have proved with Strictly Come Dancing but X Factor rejects will be rejoicing.

We all know that due to the cut backs, newspaper are no longer filled with news but more an outlet for novelists and chatterboxes to voice their opinions. I’m tired of these people who come out of university as professional smarty-pants who can write in a manner and an air of confidence that makes them look like they know what they are talking about. We really have to be careful not to confuse a wealth of vocabulary with a wealth of knowledge.

Excuse any mistakes - I'm a singer not a writer.

"I met her...I banged her." Frankie hits a new low.

My main blog is tomorrow, so these are just my ramblings....

Doctor: "Mr Jones I have good news and bad news - the bad news is you have Cancer and 10 days to live."

Mr Jones: "Oh my god, What's the good news?"

Doctor: "You see that nurse over there with the big tits? I banged her last night."

Ok bad taste but I blame Gary for that old joke. I 'll explain why in a minute.

Alexandra did ok as a guest judge but I don’t think she should have done it. She is releasing her new album next year as well as Leona Lewis so she is setting herself up for criticism from the tabloids.

I should have done it! The tabloids think I’m a knobber anyway. I would have done it for free just to tell Louis “Johnny is not a Jazz singer he’s crap” Gary, “Frankie can’t sing - he’s crap” and Tulisa, “The word is BALLAD not BALLID!”

All the judges ignored the tuning problems of The Risk and the backing vocals on the track that made them sound half decent. They are safe.

Janet was poor. Her tuning was the worst of the night. I said if from day one that her voice isn’t strong enough yet for this show and I think I’ve been proved right.

The only two acts that I have always enjoyed watching are Little Mix (originally Rhythmix) and Misha B. Last night they were both great again with Little Mix just edging it on the night. I have really grown to like these girls a lot. Their routine was brilliant. I just hope the teenage girls support them instead of The Risk or Frankie but I doubt it.

Credit where it is due, The X Factor was amazing for costumes and design last night. The production was superb. The dancers, the lights, stage designs everything looked great. If they had 10 great acts it would have been a great show.

I was wrong about Sophie. She is very good but her song choices are poor and we may have seen the best of her vocally. One minute she is compared to Carol Vorderman the next she is a singing secretary. This is character assassination like Andy the Binman, Craig the Biscuit boy, James Michael the professional busker. Sami – the cruise ship singer. They put the thoughts in the public's minds and it’s over. Forget it for Sophie. She’s now been branded a wannabe. Job done.

Gary and Louis gave her very harsh criticisms, which makes me think they want her gone. Even the Telegraph thinks that she’s gone.

I have a source that tells me Simon Cowell has bought shares in The Telegraph if anyone has any more on that let me know. That would be interesting.

This week I’m thinking it is Sophie who is set to go.

Kitty sang well but I don’t think her voice is special enough – let’s see how she does next week.. The Mirror said “Kitty Brucknell in trouble over raunchy pole dancing antics”

“Producers are furious” over her “boozy night at a gay bar…making a mockery of the show’s family friendly image” they don’t mention that she has claimed to be celibate for 10 years and if this wasn’t true I’m sure The Scum would have found one slimey little Frankie Cocozza type to come out and say “I banged her!”

They then print a sleazy up the skirt type picture from a pap of Kitty about to sit down to make her look like she’s flashing her arse.

I took objection to this piece with all the “pole dancers” they have on the show it was a bit of a cheap shot and not forgetting Frankie Cocozza’s slutty image aimed at teenagers.

Only last night Frankie spoke on The Xtra Factor about a recent encounter with Holly Hagan. “I met her …I banged her.” The presenter laughed “Don’t worry girls Frankie is still single for hanky panky.” So that is now 69 girls he has banged then!

Yep all you little teenagers can still line up and get slipped a length of Frankie's pop star cock. Sorry if this offends I'm just changing 'Hanky panky" and "banged her" for a vulgar alternative that is designed to offend and wake you up to what this is really about.

Holly Hagan’s mum and dad must be well chuffed that she got the coveted 69 position!

Frankie has cemented his reputation as the “bad boy” of X Factor but he has apologised on twitter, “I’m sorry for being honest and being myself”.

Well I’m sorry for being honest. He has no talent, he's a ‘singer’ and yet he smokes and drinks, boast about his sex exploits and thinks it’s ok as long as you are honest. However, he is young and I don’t expect any different. It isn’t his fault, as many a young guy would take advantage of the situation he is in. I blame Gary Barlow for promoting him and holding him up like some sort of pop star.

Kitty may not be the best but she is not a slag, she is a performer who loves what she does and is branded by the tabloids as sleazy. Frankie is a bum but is portrayed as cool bad boy.

It’s 2011, the press go on about racism and homophobia but misogyny is hardly mentioned. Women continue to get paid less than men, women are slags and men are bad boys. If Kitty was a 26 year-old celibate man and Frankie was a female 18 year-old talentless slag what then?

Yep, this is the “Family friendly image” of the X Factor.

excuse all my mistakes during this grumpy rant. thanks!

Kelly Rowland takes no Risk and quits?

Last week Cowell was upset with the show. Ratings were down and nothing much was happening. Now as if by magic all has changed.

Manufactured boy-band The Risk who were made up of rejected solo singers and stealing singers from other bands have yet a new line up. They removed Marlon McKenzie from the original line up and now we are told that Ashley Baptiste has quit.

We will never know the truth about why Ashley has quit due to the confidentiality contracts but it seems crazy that a guy in the finals of The X Factor and in the band that is tipped to win has decided it’s not what he wants.

The have taken a 16 year-old from "No Vibe" as Gary Barlow put's it. What is wrong with Marlon McKenzie? The guy looks and sounds good and was in the original line up - I would love to know why he was booted out. Damn those confidentiality contracts!!

My own feeling is that for some reason like Marlon, Ashley wasn’t fitting in and as The Risk are set to be signed to the label want the right line up.

Kelly Rowland has apparently got a sore throat. I suspect that she has quit. I believe last week’s bullying of Misha was the last straw. Tulisa is 23 year-old judge who got on my nerves even before her Misha rant. I can only imagine what Kelly had to put up with.

**EDIT just heard that Alexandra Burke is the guest judge!! I'd be amazed if Kelly comes back now. To have Alexandra step in a sign that this is not scripted. No way would she have been a preferred choice to step in. Kelly has probably got her lawyers getting her out of show as we speak without being sued. It looks like it's going to be a face saving exercise for the show. Very interesting to see if Kelly comeback next week. I doubt it.

Gary Barlow admitted last week that he couldn’t be trusted because he lies about how terrible Frankie Cocozza is and now Louis Walsh has just been busted as a liar after calling Misha a bully in front of 10 million. It turns out Sami Brookes has dismissed his ridiculous claims. He did apologised on The Xtra Factor to 1 million but Walsh should apologise to Misha tonight in front of the 10 million viewers but I bet he won’t.

Like I predicted the tabloids have started putting down the acts that must not make the final:

Johnny is now branded a benefit cheat but he denies this.

Kitty went to a gay club and did some pole dancing (with her clothes on). The Mirror has made it look seedy. The show has a “family friendly image” er….Frankie Cocozza… Family image?

Rhythmix have changed their name. Nobody bothered to Google the name to see if it was already taken by a children’s charity. Doh!

Meanwhile Frankie Cocozza is building his teenage fan base on Twitter talking about his “haters” and that he knows he is the worse singer but will do all he can to improve. How about stay in and practice? Have extra singing lessons? Nope, he goes out on the piss. I have no time for this lad but the press are backing him so he will get signed.

Cowell will be very happy after all this weeks antics. The UK production team have really delivered enough gossip to ensure big viewers for tonight.

Sorry for mistakes. I make them.

X Factor Live Show 3 – Rock Week AKA - Song Week

Simon Cowell apparently was upset that Strictly Come Dancing has beaten X Factor when they’ve gone head to head and has told the judges to raise their game.

Unfortunately, Strictly has beaten them again this week. Heads will roll and I will bet that Tulisa will get fired for not knowing what rock is and Gary will walk. Louis is stuck to his chair so will be back again next year even if the show gets cancelled.

I think it’s a bit late for the judges to be blaming the talent as they are doing their best with what they've got.

The judges have resorted to underhand tactics to get the public interested in the acts but it’s not a case of voting for who you like anymore, it’s about voting for a person who is less annoying than that real pain in the neck who still hasn’t gone yet.

There are two major talking points that you will not read in the tabloids.

It’s rock bottom for Gary Barlow on Rock Week. He admitted that last week he lied by saying Frankie was good when in fact he thought (like most of the viewers) that Frankie was “awful”.

I’ve been saying this from day one. Frankie shouldn’t even be there.

Gary happily ridiculed Nu Vibe with his “No Vibe” jibe and sent them home knowing very well that Frankie was awful. Are we meant to now trust his opinion? Tabloids are highlighting his honesty like it was a good thing. The fact is Gary Barlow is a judge and he lied.

Gary now says that he likes Johnny Robinson but he was terrible too. Is he lying again? You just don’t know with Gary. I think he is but I also know why.

Believe it or not but Johnny has a real chance of winning The X Factor just like Wagner did. The crowd went nuts for Johnny and he gets votes from people who would like to stick one up Cowell.

Cowell would slag Wagner off for weeks so people voted for him to spite Cowell but when he was getting too popular Cowell changed his tune and left it to The Sun to start calling Wagner a pervert and a bully.

This year they have quickly got all four judges saying Johnny is a “guilty pleasure” to stop any anti-X Factor momentum. The joke will become a bit thin in a few weeks and they will finally mug him off but I seriously think he could win if Louis gets him in a dress and a “OccupyXFactor” campaign takes off.

I’ve seen enough of the show and read enough tabloid propaganda to know that The Risk are the ones the production team and the label want to succeed. One Direction were meant to win last year if it wasn’t for that pesky Matt Cardle but they are really aimed at kids just growing out of ZingZillas. The Risk will be direct rivals to The Wanted.

The judges failed to mention that The Risk had tuning problems and poor harmonies or the fact their song wasn’t rock. But still they are better than One Direction and look how well they are doing.

If and it’s a big IF Rhythmix can break the girl curse and last a few more weeks they will have a chance of going a long way. I prefer them to The Risk. They are good but like they too did not singing a rock song. Tulisa really had no idea what Rock Week is? Producers never said "hold on a minute, this isn't rock!" - bullcrap. They knew, but a group MUST win. Screw the rules.

So that brings me to Misha. I know how these people lie I’ve been there. The Sun, Louis and Tulisa have branded her a diva and bully. This was outrageous but not surprising. They can’t bring her down as a singer (compared to the rest), she has no sordid background to dig up so she must be a bully. If Tulisa has such morals why didn't she say something about Derry from The Risk for hitting on a girl while she was out with her man? Bad form fella.

I don’t believe Misha is a bully or a diva and to be honest I don’t care. The whole tabloid media circus is filled with divas, bullies and worse. All I care is if she can sing and so far Misha has been the best of a pretty unimpressive bunch.

Prediction to go: Sami Brookes. Louis’ song choice was a terrible karaoke song, her make-over was poor and she came across arrogant when defending the song choice, oh and begging for votes is tacky. She’s one of the better singers but just not what the X Factor “New Generation” needs anymore.

Tweet of the day : JojeHarvey "They should have called it song week"

My personal blog so errors and spelling probably plentiful. london24 blog tomorrow.

Final 16 - Who goes tonight?

James Michael, Nu Vibe, Jonjo Kerr and the X Factor to go?

Amelia Lily: Daily Mail reported that she is seeing 18 year old Frankie Cocozza. Yep, a newspaper reports that a 18 year is dating a 16 year old. Has this country turned into “ Neighbours”? She’s good but there have been better girls on the show. Can do better but should be safe. Between her and Sophie to go. Too close to call. Funnily enough, if she survives tonight will go a long way.

Johnny Robinson: Terrible. The comedy act of the show but I won’t be voting for this year’s Wagner until he starts dressing as Doris Day. Safe…just.

Rhythmix: The big surprise of the night. Damn, some great vocals and harmonies. I was really impressed by these girls. Not dolly birds like Sugarbabes or Girls Aloud but I really like these and hope they go far. Safe this week.

Frankie Cocozza: In it for the girls. Self confessed slut. Girls names on his arse, family knows Jason Orange so questions over how he got in. No talent, but the tabloids are behind him. Guaranteed a long journey in the show if not a deal. Can’t stand him. Safe but should be gone.

Sophie Habibis : For me, Sophie has the X Factor. She has beautiful eyes, a lovely tone, vibrato and timing. Gary says’s he’ll fall out with Kelly if she goes. Not safe, between her and Amelia to go. I have a bad feeling though.

Jonjo Kerr: Good karaoke at best. Can’t understand how he got in but the judges give me the impression that they may keep him in another week. Not safe but may be a surprise and controversial save by Louis Walsh.

Two Shoes: One girl is pregnant but X Factor is an extremely stressful experience. I wonder if it was wise to allow her to continue. They are from Essex which Tulisa says is popular at the moment. Rumours are that though they are from Essex they are in fact well-spoken public school girls and it’s all an act. I wouldn’t be surprised. Safe but pointless unless they get a ITV2 show which is also pointless. Safe now but Two Shoes to go.

James Michael: The big stitch up! Walked onto X Factor looking the coolest of all the guys. Then after an awful make-over, James looked uncomfortable and nervous singing “Ticket to Ride”. Vocally better than the song suggested. He looked like a busker and from being my favourite for a record deal he is a dead cert to go. Shame.

Misha B: Best performance of the night. The rap is first class and she is captivating in her delivery. I do feel she is a bit shaky on her singing. I’m not convinced she will go all the way for a ITV mainstream audience but safe this week.

Nu Vibe: Five guys that were not that good. It’s One Direction all over again. But these are a series too late so no chance. Two guys showed off their abs at the end of the song and for that reason alone they should be gone. 100% gone this week.

Marcus Collins: Great look made better by a great make over. He was given a great song but needs to hold the mic closer so it picks up the quality of his voice more. Poor choreography let him down. Safe could go far if he stops bouncing around like he needs the toilet.

Sami Brookes: Gary “The only reason you are here is because Goldie Cheung dropped out” Tulisa said, “The voice of the competition”. It was a total joke that Louis hadn’t chosen her in the first place. She can sing but someone slapped her make up on and the press will compare her to Mary Byrne. Her image will ultimately be her downfall not voice. Safe this week.

The Risk: Louis summed it up, “We have JLS, One Direction and now we have The Risk”. The judges love them. They are aimed as SYCO’s competition against The Wanted and vocally they are good enough. Safe this week and probably finalists but Derry having been a mugger may prove costly with mainstream conservative viewers but cool for their market. Nothing like a bad boy to make you seem credible. I think that a deal awaits.

Craig Colton: Really great voice but for me unwatchable. Performance was a little too drama school and overly intense. Looks a bit like a young Ricky Gervais. Easily safe but vocally Shayne Ward and Joe McElderry are arguably as good but with the package. Lose the funny faces and he is a possibly another winner but with just one album. Safe.

Kitty Brucknall: Tabloids have it in for her. They report this week she was a stripper and put her down while building up a guy who was a mugger. At least she was trying to make money legally huh?? Give her a break, she has been gigging for years and has bought into the X Factor nonsense like the rest of them. I worry for her. She seems fragile and I just hope she get’s through this without losing her sanity. Gary said, “ I hope you are ready for this ride, it’s going to be tough for you.” It will be but safe this week.

Janet Devlin: Sweet young girl but I don’t think she is strong a vocalist as the other three in her category. Pitchy and weak vocal on a song she sang in her auditions so it’s not gonna get much better – that was it folks. Image is what she is all about but the judges are going crazy for her. I just don’t think her voice is ready yet. Listen to Paula Cole, Cara Dillion or Kate Rusby to see what I mean. She should go but is 100% safe. One of the “real” winners unless the public get bored of all the ballads.

Excuse errors as I am crap at checking. This is on my blog not london24.com which is Monday. My Twitter is @stevebrookstein

Thanks for reading.

Emma's Imagination has something special.

I missed Sunday’s X Factor, as I was engrossed in the final of Must Be The Music. All three judges, Jamie Cullum, Dizzie Rascal and Sharleen Spiteri performed live along with the 5 superb acts who made it to the grand final in front of 10,000 at Wembley. I predicted Emma’s Imagination and Missing Andy who both made the final 3 along with The Pictures. I would not have been surprised if any of the acts had won, but I was pleased to see Emma eventually winning the first ever series. She currently has 3 songs in the top 40, £100,000 in the bank and isn’t even signed yet. A fantastic achievement and opportunity for her to go forward on her own terms.

Ok, so back to the other show. One thing I can say about this week’s X Factor is that they have definitely got rid of the auto-tune! I think if X Factor was on BBC there would be complaints about wasting taxpayer’s money watching talentless buffoons. It just isn’t funny anymore - is it? Just like a bucket of cold water thrown over you. Funny in an uncomfortable kind of way and then very soon you start feeling, well, cold. I am so glad next week is boot camp.

I won't go on about accusations of X Factor ageism, but not one good singer over 30 went through this weekend so it looks like only Storm Lee and Mary Byrne are there to give us ‘oldies’ hope. Yip-dee-doo!

The first decent singer to be shown was Karl Brown. Young and good-looking, he had a really nice voice. It wasn’t amazing but it will be interesting to see what he can really do in boot camp.

Charlene Dawson, 17, has real potential. She’s not ready now but I just know she could go on to do something if she wanted. She reminded me so much of Katie Jackson, who we had signed to Columbia Records, New York in 2000. Charlene was technically not as strong but a very impressive young talent.

Harry Styles, a 16 year old student, sang “Isn’t She Lovely” in tune. That’s all I can say about it. The judges however heard something else. I read somewhere that he is now part of Simon’s new boy band, which makes sense.

A whole 5 minutes were spent on male duo, Diva Fever. They were not that bad but X Factor perpetuate the stereotypical TV gay male. Cue Village People -YMCA. It was like watching Mr Humphries pouring pints at The Queen Vic. Louis smiling like he had just grabbed the last Rolo and Simon being very manly about it all. Their first song was ok, but Simon let them have another attempt to impress. Cue The Pet Shop Boys - Go West. Diva Fever represented the fun factor, but in reality they were nice guys not boot camp, just camp. However, Louis loved them and they went through. You work it out.

I felt a bit sorry for the next act. Richard Thomas, 28, was a working pub and club singer who obviously had some old cheesy habits. Unlike, Diva Fever and the teenage hooker Simon had let through the day before, he wasn’t given another chance to impress. His voice was better than both acts and he sang the classic ‘Higher and Higher’ (a song I had recorded on my number one album!). He sang uncomfortably but consistently out of time and with the auto-tune fiasco, I wouldn't be surprised if it was down to post-production editing to make him seem worse. All the judges said ‘No’ then dragged out his disappointment by playing 'How Can You Mend A Broken Heart' (another song I had recorded on my number one album!). Funny, a pub singer, two songs from my album, was Simon having a subtle dig at me? Nah, surely not.

Richard wasn’t going to win it but as a working singer he deserved respect. It is his career and he has to go back to working in pubs and clubs. The experience of boot camp would have given him a chance to improve upon his act and go back to his day job revitalized. Instead, the humiliated him.

To compound his apparent ineptitude, Richard was then followed by Marlon McKenzie, 27, singing “Ain’t No Sunshine”. The judges were very complimentary of him but to be honest he started off a bit pitchy and the change of melody didn’t work for me. He did a couple of nice trills at the end but the performance was not as great as they were making out. I’d like to see more. A very cool and good-looking guy who entered twice before but failed to impress the bods before the judges. This is the first time he has reached the judges and now he is a favourite. Funny ol’ game.

What should happen but won’t:

Karl Brown and Marlon McKenzie should get together with two other guys to make an awesome new boy band to rival JLS.

My Easy Prediction:

Boot camp is going to make the token older bloke with the Mohican look like a proper Charlie and the few older singers will struggle with the dance routines, especially the new SuBo, Mary Byrne.

News: Joe McElderry’s new single is sadly a karaoke cover while series two winner Shayne Ward and last year’s runner-up Olly Murs are both releasing original music in November. It’s going to be a very interesting few months for those three boys signed to Simon Cowell’s label.